Authentic communication
Do you ever struggle to align different areas of your life? To remain authentic wherever and whatever you are doing? I sometimes struggle with who I am in my day job as a professional marketer with who I am as a yoga teacher, which I believe is my dharma or my duty, my calling. Authentic, meaningful communication can carry so much power. What we choose to communicate, how and when, the words or phrases we use are how we connect with those around us. The throat chakra is at play when we are focusing on communication, as this is the chakra that helps us speak our truth. The throat chakra in balance is where we can communicate openly and honestly and use our words for good; treating what we share mindfully and with regard for how it will land in the listener’s ear. There’s a balance here between something that is meaningful and worthy being broadcast and not oversharing or being so loose with our words that they lose some meaning.
I’ve been speaking with my yoga mentor, the joyful and compassionate Liz Joy Oakley about the message I have to share and what speaking my truth feels like. My aim is to be the most authentic self I can be in my yoga journey. It’s risky, it’s vulnerable and once the words leave they are impossible to take back again. But to only focus on what the risks are and not focusing on the power of sharing our words we can lead lives of a half truth. So I hope in sharing something authentic, the intention for it to help others is understood and that what I share receives empathy, rather than pity or sympathy. Through mentoring I’m starting to see that this thing that has been so painful for me doesn't have to be a painful thing always. It could be a powerful thing if I can share the lessons I’ve learned and help other people with the approach to yoga that has helped me to get through.
When I was thirty eight I was diagnosed with Primary Ovarian Insufficiency (POI). Such a simple sentence to write but definitely not a simple process to go through. I spent months feeling unwell with nausea, high temperatures, low energy, hair loss and bouts of forgetfulness. Following a couple of months of tests, finally I was told that my ovaries were no longer functioning properly and that the symptoms I was feeling were POI, similar to an early menopause.
As someone who felt young and healthy I struggled with a diagnosis of something that was associated in later life. It felt like a mistake and it took some time for me to really absorb the finality of my condition. I had been practising yoga for a long time but fortuitously the diagnosis came when I was undertaking my yoga teacher training - a journey that was not just physical but also emotional. Some of the lessons I was learning on that journey helped to steady me as the ground swayed beneath my feet. In particular I benefited from learning about aparigraha, one of the yamas. My brilliant yoga alumnus Lydia has written a blog about the yamas and niyamas that explains what these are in more detail. Aparigraha invites us not to grasp things nor try to possess them, but instead to find a way to be unattached to outcomes and to focus on the actions we can take. And so I tried to pull myself out of focusing on the what ifs and what might bes and instead look at the actions I could take to move forwards with acceptance.
It was really tough. And really sad. I took a day off work and went for a big long walk in the countryside; my soulful activity to help me to reconnect inwards. The photo that accompanies this blog is from that day. I can recommend the Balcombe viaduct walk for soul restoration! I told my family, told some of my close friends and then stepped onto the rollercoaster journey of accepting my diagnosis (still ongoing) and managing my physical symptoms (also still ongoing!). I held a huge amount of hatred towards my body for what I saw as letting me down. Such anger towards it for not doing what it was meant to do. Then hatred for the symptoms that were terrorising me. Happy acceptance when my symptoms started to wane. Hatred again when they came back. I’ve cried useless tears over losing something I didn’t even realise I had and I’ve made changes to my lifestyle to manage the dips in my energy levels. I cried again writing this, reading it back. It still feels as if I am on an emotional rollercoaster.
Finding out about the menopause has been a frustrating journey. So much of what I read in Eastern philosophy positions it positively as the second spring of life, the coming of wisdom, the natural next cycle in the experience of womanhood. But it wasn’t natural for me, it was early. And so finding my way in this struggle has been challenging. I can understand and learn from what other women are experiencing in their menopause journey. But truly I’m still struggling to move beyond feeling utterly cheated out of 15 years of my health as it should have been. Terms such as Meno-rage and Menopocalypse completely resonate with me and I’m spending a huge amount of energy trying to separate out who I am from how my symptoms make me feel, both physically and emotionally.
I’m working with a specialist clinic on getting the medication I need in the right dosage to manage my symptoms. In all of this with yoga as a constant I’ve started to understand that there may be a role for me to use my experience, as painful and sad as it is, and combine it with my love of yoga to start to specialise in the area where I can offer yoga for those like me who are going through a journey of transition in their hormones. This may be menopause, this may be POI like me, or it could be other hormonal tranistions that elicit the same feelings of change, challenge and the need for space. I’m incredibly excited to have been accepted on Petra Coveney’s unique menopause yoga training course to learn how to teach this rare yet powerful form of yoga to those who, like me, are moving through a period of transition and looking for space to share, be nurtured and find acceptance.
So I open my throat chakra. I find the truth I want to share and put it out in the world in case my sharing can help others in a similar struggle. Yoga and its tools, techniques and philosophies have helped me so much in the past two years and whilst I already aim to create my classes as an inclusive space for all, I’m excited to be able to offer even more to support those in hormonal transition. This next step is a light in what has been a dark time; a sense of purpose during a period where I felt directionless. And as I continue on my own journey of acceptance and learn to forgive my body, I’m excited to use the power of yoga and share this with any and all who may wish to journey alongside me.
If anything in this blog has been triggering for you and you would like to find out more about POI then please visit The Daisy Network for a comprehensive view of the support on offer.
This month I’m reading… Haroun and the Sea of Stories by Salman Rushdie - a really beautiful book about the power of free speech, which fits beautifully with the theme of the throat chakra
This month I’m listening to… insight timer meditations. I’ve set myself a challenge of daily meditation as I really feel the benefits from meditating when I make it a priority
